Who Am I?
by Annie Coomes
Summary: One Shot from Doctors POV after Doomsday. The Doctor needs to stop and think about who he really is.


Summary: One Shot from Doctors POV after Doomsday. The Doctor needs to stop and think about who he really is.

Disclaimer: I Don't own Doctor Who... and uses song Starlight by Muse

Spoilers for Doomsday.

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Who Am I?

_Far away  
The ship is taking me far away  
Far away from the memories  
Of the people who care if I live or die_

So here I stand, away from the world, away from reality, away from any civilization that could dare to touch me. Here I stand alone, truly alone and that is all I long to be. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be cared for, I don't want to be loved. I can't handle the pain, the pain of emotion – I just want to stand here all day in this endless night. Around me the stars sparkle to one another, their light cannot reach me, I don't want it to reach me, I don't want to know.

_Starlight  
I will be chasing the starlight  
Until the end of my life  
I don't know if it's worth it anymore_

My entire life I followed the stars, I watched them and waited for them wondering where they would take me. I spent eternity chasing stars and finding them, bathing in their beauty. I can no longer chase stars, I can no longer care. Following stars is meaningless to me now, how can I find something new and appreciate it if there is no one to show, how can I deal with the beauty knowing it will be only me that sees it, how can I look at stars knowing universes away she is looking at the same star, thinking the same thoughts, that we are bathing under the same light yet I cannot touch her?

_Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms_

I can't remember her face anymore. I can't remember the sound of her laughter sweetening the air around me; I can't even remember what it feels like to hold her in my arms. It wasn't enough… it was never enough… how can two years pass so quickly yet three months drag on like eternity? How can I go on knowing she is there, waiting for me, reaching for me, knowing that she needs to hold me as much as I need to hold her? How can I be her hero if I can't save her? I just need to touch her soft pink skin once more, run my fingers through her golden hair, feel her arms wrapped around me, I need to know what love is one more time.

_My life  
You electrify my life  
Let's conspire to ignite  
All the souls that would die just to feel alive_

What is life? Existence in the physical world? But that's not living. Living is with her, living is in her arms, in her presence; living is spending every day with her and showing her the world. Living isn't this. I don't exist, I don't live… I just think and wait, I think of my Rose and I wait for the day we can someday be together again. Would death help me live? Would it lighten the pain of my life? Would death trap her indefinitely? Would she still need me then?

_But I'll never let you go  
If you promised not to fade away  
Never fade away_

All I have left of her is a memory; my vibrant Rose is now only a fading picture in my mind. I can speak of her, I can remember her but I can never know her – not again. I can never know if she laughs or cries, I'll never know if she saves the world or falls ill, I'll never know if she falls in love again or becomes an old maiden, I'll never even know if she lives or if she died. All I know is this; she is mine. Rose Tyler is mine and I love her, she is the greatest thing that has happened to me… the greatest thing that I have ever lost.

_Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations  
Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations_

All that is and all that ever was, they are all gone. Know one will ever know Rose like I did and no one will ever know me like she did. No one will ever know about the day the Slitheen took over Downing Street, nor will they know of the impossible plant that orbits a lone black hole, no one will ever know of how my Rose saved the world. No one except me. But what use is a story if I cannot tell it? What use is a story if it rots in my mind, poisoning me? What use is a person if they will only ever be known by one other, what use is love if it cannot save you?

_Far away  
The ship is taking me far away  
Far away from the memories  
Of the people who care if I live or die_

Who am I? I am a man who loves a woman. A man who cannot save the woman I love. A man who weeps into the night. A man who is alone. A man who is unable to feel. I am no longer a man – I no longer exist – I am nothing.

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Your thoughts and comments are much appreciated!


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